Saturday, January 21, 2012

Afghans for Afghans - I have a dream!

I recently read an article that described how our generation is labeled the SANDWICH GENERATION! It detailed how to get yourself financially and emotionally ready for this.  It was defined as "a generation who is taking care of small children while caring for an aging relative".  I found the article a little odd as for the Afghan people and most Asian society, this is the only way of life. For us taking care of the elders is an honer, duty and second to prayer. However even though it is a duty as an Afghan, I admit it is not easy.  While my parents do not live with me, this year more then any other year I have realized how hard it truly is to be there for them and my heart breaks when I see them alone and sulk when we do not visit.

The hardest part is that you know how vulnerable they have become, you know they need to slow down, you know they cannot do the things they once could but they have not come to that realization.  So you gently remind them and they get upset with you for reminding them they are getting old.

The next hardest part is watching my parents sit home alone in a big home by themselves. Asking them to downsize will be insulting them. They want the grandchildren, the son-laws and rest of the family to come every night so mom can cook for us and we can have one big family at one locations.  But the reality is that kids have after school activities or have invited friends over, the hubby just wants to watch sports on the couch after long day of work and as a mother / wife I have to be there for them. So every night, I call my parents to check in.  I feel guilty  and heartbroken every night because I know they once had a house full of people, where always entertaining and now that is all gone.

It would be so much easier if they came to live with me or one of my sisters because they  would have the company and  I would have the ease of mind that they are not alone.  As much as my husband and I have begged them to come live with us they have turned us down.  The biggest reason is that in the Afghan culture it is customary to live in your son's home but never in your son-in-law's home.  Because my parents do not have a son, they feel that they must live in a home by themselves. So we wait until they are ready to move in with one of us.

As for my dream - I had always thought if I had some money to invest, I would invest in creating an Afghan retirement home. I didn't want to build this retirement home because we are burdened by taking care of our elders but rather for providing a place where they are connected by their past, religion, have companionship from of their own peers.  While we are busy with our little kids and careers - a place like this will great for the empty nester like my mom's  to go to socialize and feel needed.

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